June 09, 2011

i used to be so much weirder

... in a good way. i was semi-famous for my mixed CDs and their unexpectedly great cover songs. my bikini tops and bottoms never, ever matched. i was always flying to see friends i couldn't live without on money i didn't even have. i was delightfully over-accessorized, constantly drawing and painting, thinking nothing of staying up all night in a rain storm just to hear it hit the window. i made decisions swiftly, didn't look back, felt light as a feather.
now i stand in the shampoo aisle for twenty minutes, deciding if I'm better off using the manufacturer's coupon or doing the buy-one-get-one, reading words I hate: gray coverage. split ends. damaged. i spend my days carrying out someone else's strategic plan using more words i hate. thanks in advance. by close of business tomorrow. moving forward.
that last one gets me, cause I don’t always feel like I’m moving forward. Some days I think I’m just standing still, in tasteful black pumps and pearl earrings, wondering when i became so corporate and typical.
i can't pinpoint when it started, but it isn’t quite working. I’m getting by, but there’s a dead mouse in the walls. Shauna Niequist wrote that about her husband, a musician and I underlined the junk out of it. She says he’s made to create, and if you’re made to create and you’re not doing it, it’s like a dead mouse in the walls or something gone bad in the refrigerator. She says she can set a timer on his need to create, and then watch him get antsy when it’s getting too close to too long.
It’s too close to too long for me; the right side of my brain is glaring jealously toward the left. I have fingers itching to design and style and write and make art. So I'm starting here, with a blog, a little online home for all my inspirations and virtual dog-ears. And we'll see where it goes. Hopefully i'll be over-accessorizing again real soon.


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